Why is it so hard to be a library upstander?

 Thank you to everyone for your feedback and comments about the last post.

Let me begin this post by acknowledging that it is extremely difficult to be an upstander in a toxic work environment.  The upstander is the one who witnesses bullying, discrimination, or harassment, and says or does something to stop it.  We all want to be upstanders but yet we often are not. At least, I know that I often fail in this regard and I feel that there are times when I have been failed by others who could have come to my defense.  We witness something happen and we put our heads down and feel bad about what is happening but stay quiet.  We might approach the victim after the fact to offer support.  We may even give some money to a cause that fights for the rights of victims.  But, when the chips are down and we are in a position to intervene, we very often do not do so. 

Why do we do it?  There are likely lots of reasons.  No doubt that there are many papers and books written about why people physically or emotionally walk away from others who are in distress.  When I think of why I have essentially abandoned others who could have used my help, many reasons come to mind.  Sometimes there is a fear of being pulled into the ugliness.   Whatever bad thing is going on could be directed at me too.  Sometimes I fear that the perpetrator will inflict revenge on me for embarrassing or shaming them for their behavior.  Sometimes my brain is just plain old overwhelmed by the emotion of the situation and I feel frozen.  I simply don't know what to do.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with fear that I feel an unbearable need to get away from what is going on and all rationality seems to disappear.  In general, I seem to have a fear response.  And, I do feel terrible after the fact. I feel bad about what happened and, the older I get, the worse I feel about not stepping in to do something.

What about when I have been bullied or otherwise treated badly?  How do I feel about others just sitting there and saying or doing nothing or even walking away?  In the moment, I'm generally pretty caught up in the interaction. There is the odd time I recall looking around the room and seeing the look of fear and sadness in the eyes of my colleagues or people with their heads down or looking away from me.  Otherwise, I think that I generally am focused on just getting through the moment.  It's what happens after the fact that is interesting.  I've had people pat me on the back to tell me that they are sorry, that I didn't deserve what happened, etc.  Sometimes people drop by my office, take me out for coffee, chat on the phone or send me a sympathetic email.  All of these actions are needed and welcome.  It helps me to recover and get my sense of self-worth back.  But, what doesn't come back is a sense of safety.  The bad treatment can happen again and it's not likely that anyone will help me in the moment.  It's only recently that I have started to wonder why others have not come to my aid during the incident.

So, what about standing up for one's self?  It seems like an obvious solution. Assertiveness and standing one's ground seems like the way to go.  However, anyone who has been in a truly toxic, racist, or generally hate-filled environment knows that attempts at assertiveness can just make things worse.  In the extreme, trying to fight back can get you killed.  Those who have not been in a position where this is the case have a hard time understanding this.  This level of fear is an unfortunate reality for too many people.  Trying to stand up for yourself, no matter how much the world tells you it is the right thing to do, can lead to some very bad consequences.  So, is it any wonder that people are afraid to stand up for themselves let alone be upstanders?  A person has to know for sure that they are acting from a place of power and security before they might feel confident enough to step in.  In reality, assertiveness only really works where people respect and listen to one another.  Fortunately, there are places where assertiveness works.  But, what about really toxic places where the worst abuse happens?

In my own life, I tend to remove myself as much as possible from the most toxic of places.  Life is too short and health is more difficult to restore with age.  But, moving onto something else is not always possible.  Perhaps there doesn't seem to be any other options or there is some other barrier.  The older I get, the more that I wonder if leaving toxic places might also make it easier for abusers to become more confident in their abuse.  If I have enough power and autonomy in my life to leave a place or not deal with a certain person I do so.   What now occurs to me is that I leave behind people who desperately need the job or have no option but to deal with the person.  Perhaps the abusers see my leaving as a victory on their part and are further emboldened to abuse those who remain.  This is something that I have been wondering about for a while.  Of course, I need to take care of myself and not get all tied up in other people's problems but it is something that comes to mind a lot lately.  Over the years I've heard many people say something to the effect, "the management has to see the stream of people in and out of that department.   They have to know that there is something wrong.  They'll have to take action eventually...."  But, is that true?  Maybe whoever it is that we think is in charge is just as afraid of doing something about the problem as am I or as are all of us.  We keep thinking that someone will do something to "fix it" sooner or later.  In the meantime, the problem keeps getting worse as we start to suffer all sorts of stress conditions.  We become anxious and depressed, we have digestive problems, we can't sleep, we get rashes, we have trouble concentrating, we drink, we eat, we binge-watch televisions or get lost in games...  not good.

If I knew the answer to this problem, I likely could make a lot of money writing books, consulting, and giving talks.  However, there are a few things that I do know.  First of all, is that most of us experience some sort of uncivil behaviour on a daily basis.  One way or the other, this behaviour hurts us.  Second, we tend not to do too much to fight this behaviour when it happens to us or we witness it because of fear.  Third, our fear exists because we see the all too real outcomes of what can happen when people try to stick up for themselves.  Only the truly advantaged have the luxury of being assertive in highly toxic environments.  It seems to me that the answer must be found in discovering a way to address both the danger and the fear of negative outcomes at the same time.  We have to learn how to create real safety and then act in positive ways from that position of safety.  The trouble is, I just don't know how to do that.  

We are currently in a time of massive change.  As things change, old things will fall away and new opportunities will be created.  While there will be losses, we also can make gains.  Maybe a solution can be fashioned in this new environment.  However, I think that we have to be honest with our selves about what we do and don't do with regard to fighting incivility if we are to find that solution.